


Tales From The LEP

by Kitty Rainbow (KittyRainbow)



Category: Artemis Fowl - Colfer
Genre: Gen, Humour, diary format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2002-12-06
Updated: 2003-10-28
Packaged: 2017-10-04 20:02:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyRainbow/pseuds/Kitty%20Rainbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In between keeping the underground safe from trolls, humans and ice-cream, the LEP like to kick back, relax and... annoy each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Holly

**Day 1**

Decided to have some fun with Foaly when was sent to Ops to collect my gear for a routine mission. Quietly moved things around when I thought he wasn't watching. Was given a funny look as left room, however, so must have been seen.

Suspicions were confirmed when I returned to my cubicle. Swivel chair collapsed when I sat on it. Then spent half an hour fixing it. Stupid Foaly. Will have to be twice as sneaky next time.

Coffee tasted funny, but may be fault of milk which comes in packets without best-before dates. As am only one who drinks coffee, suspect that coffee machine is only for show. Nobody would think to inform me though - have played too many tricks on other officers to warrant sympathy.

**Day 2**

Remembered Corporal Newt used to drink coffee. Asked him why he stopped. Was told coffee machine just for show. Received many taunts at lunch when did not have usual caffeine dose. Have definitely played too many jokes. Am not popular among the masses. Shall have to play huge joke on Beetroot to make up for it.

Chair did not collapse today. Desk did. Stupid Foaly. Will have to steal his foil hat. Or his carrots. Although then would probably wake up next day with fake moustache glued to face. May be best to find safe hiding place before exacting Ultimate Revenge.

**Day 3**

Moved Beetroot's wastepaper basket and he fell over it. Small burn mark now on carpet where cigar was squashed into it. Slightly larger burn mark on carpet where cigar set wastepaper in wastepaper basket alight. Was very funny for about two seconds, until Root worked out it was me. Am in big trouble now. Still, have wonderful memory of Beetroot inventing new shade of red.

Neither chair or desk collapsed today. Thought was safe until discovered girls' toilet door welded shut. Stupid Foaly. Must think up brilliantly inventive Ultimate Revenge by tomorrow. Or at least a mildly funny prank I can capture on camera.

**Day 4**

As punishment for wastepaper bin incident was forced to do snack run to café opposite station. Sneakily added some of nasty fake coffee from station coffee machine to Beetroot's latte. Foaly didn't order a drink. Stupid Foaly. Shall have to find some better way of getting back at him. Asked fellow ex-coffee-drinker Newt for ideas. Was informed that wastepaper incident was stupid and should grow up. Moved his wastebin to prove him wrong. Did not see him fall over it but spent afternoon cackling at thought.

**Day 5**

Have not seen Newt all day to drop subtle-as-a-brick-wall hints about wastebin. Wondering if he too ashamed to show face. Or if he plotting Ultimate Revenge against me. Hoping for former, although latter would prove good excuse for further pranks. Not that really need excuse.

Beetroot must have noticed oddness of latte yesterday and also did not order drink. Sent me on errand to buy cigars instead. Whilst was out, also went to joke shop and bought fake cigar. Exchanged for one in box. Tried very hard to look innocent when handing Root his cigars. Suspect that wide grin gave it away though. Before end of shift, exploding cigar was returned to me. Lit. Eyebrows now slightly singed.

**Day 6**

Heard the news today that Newt is in hospital with broken arm and broken leg after falling over wastebin. Felt guilty until remembered he told me to grow up. Thought some more and realised he was probably right.

Went to talk with Foaly about (second) wastebin incident. Was given sympathy, advice and a big electric shock when I tried to sneakily move things again. Stupid Foaly. Felt much better for first two, though. Was nice to confide in friend and have fears alleviated a little.

But upon returning to station, was pounced on by Beetroot. Foaly informed him that I was the Wastebin Bandit as soon as I left Ops. Stupid Foaly. Went back later and stole both tin hat and carrots as impulsive Ultimate Revenge. Felt a little better for it.

**Day 7**

Woke up this morning with fake moustache glued to face. Could not face the thought of going to work. Called in sick. Stupid Foaly.

If am going to exact true Ultimate Revenge in future, shall have to secure house better. Will buy large dog tomorrow. Or as soon as have removed moustache.

**Day 8**

Face is sore, but have gotten moustache off. Also, went to petshop to buy dog. Bought cat instead. Have called him Pookums. Spends half of his time licking his privates, and the other half attacking anything that moves. Think name suits him. Well, he does smell of excretion, just a bit...

**Day 9**

Had to rescue milkman from Pookums this morning. Hands now very scratched. Still, am glad, knowing that worse fate will befall Foaly if he attempts to retaliate to my Ultimate Revenge.

Went back to work today. Root appeared pleased to see me, although later worked out this was only because he can now make me run errands again. Planned to hide from him in girls' toilets - then discovered door was still welded shut. Stupid Foaly. Hid in cubicle instead. Amazingly, was not crushed by it falling down or any such thing. Foaly must be running out of ideas. Hah, the Wastebin Bandit strikes again!

**Day 10**

Was amazingly inspired when could not sleep yesterday. Now have brilliant plan to exact Ultimate Revenge. Am not sure that can legally purchase required amounts of hairspray, however, so shall have to go with Plan B. Will only then be exacting Medium Revenge, but will hopefully still get a good laugh out of it.

Kept a low profile today in preparation for tomorrow. That in itself would have been suspicious but for the fact that _accidentally_ left note around with "DIE FROND DIE" written on it. Hah. Will now have fooled them all into thinking that I'm gunning for her and not Foaly. Medium Revenge shall be mine!

**Day 11**

Am very proud of self. Replaced Foaly's carrots with fake ones, poured fake coffee into his real coffee when he wasn't looking, attached a "kick me" sign to the back of his hat, moved his wastebin to prominent position _and_ just snuck into his house and glued a fake moustache to his face... across his eyelids, in fact.

Can sleep easy in the knowledge that have exacted Medium Revenge, and Pookums will be keeping me safe tonight.

**Day 12**

Woke up moustache-free! Pookums did his job well. And when I got to the station, nothing fell apart beneath me! Felt even prouder than yesterday, although had to do the food run again. Thought had beaten Foaly at his own game...

Then was ambushed by own wastebin, in middle of doorway, when returning to cubicle after errands done. Was not expecting it and tripped, knocking self out on desk.

Despite having been gotten by Foaly, am now suspected by the masses not to be the Wastebin Bandit, so feel good. Apart from the large lump on my head. (And I don't mean Pookums, although he is sitting up there.)


	2. Root

**Day 1**

Knew today was to be a good day almost as soon as walked into building. Yelled at three elves before even reached own office. Suspect it was their first day but still think they deserved it. Nobody should be that perky so early.

Passed Short's cubicle whilst prowling around in search of perky fairies/fairies with red complexions. Noticed she was attempting to put her chair back together. Decided it was best not to ask. Female elves are funny.

Still, was pleased to note that am grumpiest and reddest person on whole floor. Mood only improved by large cigar and fact that managed to terrify another two elves and a sprite.

**Day 2**

Was standing in front of mirror in my office today when had impulsive moment. Asked "mirror, mirror, on the wall - who's the reddest of them all?" Felt v. foolish when no reply came... and when noticed Corporal Newt had just poked his head around the door to ask about some forms. Shouted at him for not knocking and then felt slightly better. Shall have to impress upon him the importance of never mentioning this incident again.

**Day 3**

Some stupid co-worker moved my wastebin today. Was not expecting it to be there, and so fell over it. Lovely cigar was squashed into carpet. Carpet now has small burn mark from that, and larger burn mark from where cigar set alight wastepaper in wastebin.

Narrowly avoided total disaster by using hydrosion shell. Stupid Foaly good for something, at least.

Bright side is that was v. red person afterwards. Proud of my amazing redness under pressure. Also, noticed Short was laughing v. hard. Whether or not it was her who moved my wastebin, I am going to punish her. She's bound to have done something, and, anyway, she laughed!

Shouted at a gnome today. Did not realise he was a civilian until he ran away without saluting. Sure he was too scared to report it though.

**Day 4**

Sent Short on snack-run today. Requested a latte but thought drink tasted more like mocha - suspect Short ordered wrong thing on purpose.

Another fairy was attacked by a wastebin today - Corporal Newt, from Traffic. Broke an arm and a leg. I had a moment when I wondered if the wastebins were fed up of having rubbish dumped in them and were rebelling. Decided instead that I have been spending too much time with Foaly.

Did, in fact, talk to the donkey this morning. Mentioned I was rather glad to have escaped with only a squashed cigar, rather than broken bones - magic may heal them, but the breaking still hurts. Centaur suggested that lack of damage may be due to the "built-in cushion" on my stomach. Stupid Foaly.

**Day 5**

Thought it might be a nice idea to send Newt a get well card. We are both wastebin victims, after all. Wrote encouraging message inside: "get well soon, and if you tell anyone about that thing with the mirror I'll break your other arm and leg."

Short is obviously losing her touch. After latte/mocha thing yesterday, made her fetch a new box of cigars for me. It was easy to tell she'd slipped in a fake one, and not just because of the grin plastered across her face... She'd forgotten to remove the joke shop label. Noticed it was of the exploding variety, so lit it and had it returned to her sharpish.

Fairly sure that bang could be heard two streets away.

**Day 6**

Discovered that it was Short who moved the wastebins. She'd confided in Foaly, who told everyone as soon as she had gone. Suspect, however, that cushion joke may have been repeated... Can feel self turning red just at thought. Glad I sent Short to do those errands, even if much redness has come from this.

After having a long session of shouting at Short, decided to go on the prowl for others to terrorise. Only found one elf - total disgrace. Must be out of practice. Shall have to start a new daily anger routine. Wonder if there are instructional videos available?

**Day 7**

Short called in sick today. Short is never sick. Suspect something fishy is going on. Foaly is definitely involved. He wouldn't stop humming, and actually tried to hug me. Stupid Foaly, am not teddy bear. Even threatening to slash his budget had no effect - had to resort to kicking him in the shins.

Did some more prowling today, and came across Corporal Frond painting her toenails. Not only does she squeal perkily, but she also runs perkily whilst simultaneously trying to salute and escape.

Checked up on Newt; have not seen him for days and reckoned he ought to have been back by now. Turns out that even though the medics healed him on arrival, he insisted upon staying "for observation". Either he really loves hospital food, or he's scared of returning to work. Hope it's my card that's preying on his mind, and not Short. She's barely red at all - she doesn't deserve fear!

**Day 8**

Found three gnomes having an unauthorised conference today. Had immense fun telling them to get back to work - at top volume, of course. However they were v. angry and growled at me. One may have bitten my leg; he certainly jumped at me and now my leg is sore.

Needed to sit down and rest after that. Decided to have a bit of fun doodling on pile of papers on my desk. Drew me giving that pony a good kick in the pants. Was v. fun and could hardly suppress my glee.

Unfortunately the centaur chose that moment to wander in and hand me an "important" memo. Gave him a good shouting at to calm self but he just informed me that my stick figure wasn't very true to life, as it should have been a blob figure.

Stupid Foaly.

**Day 9**

Short was back at work today, although she looked as though she'd been mauled by a rabid feline. Knowing Short, she probably had. Even so, I sent her to run more errands - still not forgiven her for the wastebin incident. And why should I? V. good excuse to make someone else fetch my coffee.

Guessed that Short had done something to my coffee so did not drink it. Instead kept it to throw at next person who came into office me. Turned out to be my superior, Chairman Cahartez. Luckily noticed this at last instant and instead sloshed coffee over carpet.

Would have been disaster if I had damaged his pointy hat. Might've been forced to pay for dry cleaning bills.

**Day 10**

Found something rather odd today. Was "DIE FROND DIE" message written on scrap of paper. Looked like Short's handwriting. Turned it over and discovered something else: "note to self, write death threat to Frond to cover up plan for Ultimate Revenge on Foaly." Whole-heartedly support Ultimate Revenge plan but suspect it better not to let Short know this. Just erased the note on back of paper and left it in more pertinent place, to help with cover-up operation.

Later was feeling v. bored so decided to be even more helpful and go shout at Frond. Now she will already be in state of panic when she receives death threat. Am genius.

Unlike that centaur, of course, who is completely useless and deserves to have Ultimate Revenge exacted upon him. Stupid Foaly.

**Day 11**

Brilliant day today! Spied a young elf wandering around and looking very lost. Had a little bit of fun before got stuck right into him. Crossed the corridor he was walking down, then quickly ran around the back of some cubicles and crossed the corridor in the same direction. Did not see his face, but suspect he was dumbfounded. If he actually noticed, that is.

When finally confronted him, only managed to get half way through my sentence before he burst into tears. Then he dashed away bawling about his Mummy. Had to pretend I was having a coughing fits for the rest of the day... Kept remembering the whole scene and couldn't help laughing. But must preserve image of being uncaring and mean commander. Will gain no respect otherwise.

Stupid Foaly does not respect me as it is.

**Day 12**

D'Arvit. Had a bit of a shock today. In fact, quite a large shock. The elder brother of the elf I upset yesterday came to have a little "talk" with me. He is Trouble with a capital T. And I mean that literally - the elf from yesterday was Grub Kelp.

Trouble is v. scary. He is also v. good at suggestion. He was curiously calm the whole time he was in my office, but was v. menacing. Have promised self that will never terrorise young elves again, in case they are Grub - do not want to "end up resembling Swiss cheese, if you know what I mean" just because I can't tell them apart.

Glad that outrank Trouble, else whole situation could have been much worse. Was not red person today, was v. white. And I had to change my trousers. V. embarrassing. Hope this does not get out...


End file.
